Jul

14

When you love somebody

July 14, 2005 |

There is an immutable law of nature that dictates that the more you love someone the more it hurts you when you hurt them. It is not something that you really think about when you fall in love, though. When you’re at the point of falling in love with someone, there is no angel nor devil that popup on your shoulders to tell you, “Watch it, boy. You’re about to step off a steep cliff. ”

The corrollary to the previous law is that the more someone loves you the more chance you’re gonna screw up and hurt them. Think about it - if you don’t give a damn about someone, then what they do can’t really hurt you. Not emotionally. They’re morons. What do you care? But if you love someone, really love someone, then you admire them. You respect them and you want their respect. You need that person’s trust, loyalty, desire and friendship. And when you need someone, really need someone, that’s when the chances that they’ll hurt you start to climb. I’m sure that psychiatrists will tell you that needing someone is unhealthy. They’ll say that it is co-dependence or something like that and that a healthy relationship is two completely independent people who choose to live their life together. But if that is true, then why choose to live with someone? The moment you choose to live your life as two instead of one, then you choose to open yourself up to needing that other person. And of course that brings us back to the inevitable situation of hurting the one you need to make happy.

So what do you do? I don’t know how to stop from inevitably hurting the person you love. But I think I am learning how to minimize the hurts.

The love you feel for someone can often be laced with intense fear. Real gut-wrenching fear of loss, of hurt, and of the worst pain- disappointing the object of your love. Sometimes I think that fear is what drives us to hurt. What we fear insanely drives us to create a reality where that fear is realized. I can’t imagine why we do that. Perhaps we think if we can control when we confront that which we fear it won’t be as debilitating. I don’t know. But I think one possible solution is to know what you fear and why you fear it.

I fear losing the one I love. I fear that someone who knows me the way she knows me could not possibly want to be with me. I fear that all the insecurities that I felt as a young man have never gone away and that even though I found someone who says she loves me more than anything could not possibly love me the way she says she does. I fear that I am not worthy of the love she is offering me. I fear that the more she loves me the more she will see that I am not worth loving. And I fear that I will die alone, without her, because my fear of losing her will drive me to do another stupid thing to alienate her.

And I know why I fear. Because her soul is shining platinum in a world of tarnished lead. Her beauty is a soothing balm that blessedly heals wherever she goes. Her way is gentleness and goodness and it leads her and those around her to happiness. Her love is miraculous. And I fear living a life without miracles.

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1 Comment so far

  1. theGK on July 15, 2005 7:29 am

    Touching!

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